INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES |
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WHY PSYCHOTHERAPY? The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you, Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want, Don’t go back to sleep. People are going back and forth across the doorsill Where the two worlds meet, The door is round and open, Don’t go back to sleep. Rumi It is frightening to imagine who I would be today without therapy. I occasionally have flashbacks to my earlier life and the realization of how unconscious and unaware I was and I feel afraid for what I didn’t know then. I began in my thirties to work on myself using ongoing and weekend groups, hundreds of self-help books, and eventually several month-long experiences at Esalen in Big Sur. I sacrificed many non-essentials for the one luxury I truly couldn’t live without—individual therapy for many years—maybe seven or eight—with several therapists. Most of what I bring personally to my clients now I learned in a violent abusive childhood and on the long steep climb out of that hell. Clients sometimes want help for their current problems and don’t want to go back and dig into their childhood wounding. My belief is that we can explore the current situation or explore the events of childhood. It is the same because our beliefs about the world and of ourselves and our patterns of behavior were formed in childhood and they continue to be operational in our present reality. For example, I had a violent abusive father who punished us when he was taken over by rage. I learned early that authority was capricious and unpredictable and not responsive to me. I would have unbearable anxiety if I were called to my boss’ office and catastrophized the worst scenarios on my way there. In that instant the stress of the situation would regress me to childhood and standing before my supervisor I would feel like an eight year old and not an accomplished professional. I’m working with a young woman now whose mother would have severe mood swings and not speak to her daughter for days. The girl felt punished for these withdrawals and took responsibility for her mother’s moods. Now when a close friend or lover is not forthcoming with supportive or caring statements she regresses and begins to feel that their silence is a negative statement directed to her. If you doubted your value as a five year old you will probably doubt it now. If the world was unsafe at three it most likely continues to be scary. If your mother was critical and disparaging, you don’t need her around anymore to feel badly about yourself. You can do it for yourself now. I know what it is like to have such terrible anxiety and panic attacks that it is impossible to sleep at night, or to have relentless deep depression, which never lifts. When clients tell me that they were too ashamed to admit how much pain they were having and that they were too distrusting to believe that anyone would care or be able to help them, I know exactly what they are talking about. I also know that just the act of telling me is a gift of trust and a step toward healing. Self-disclosure by the therapist is not recommended in the therapeutic relationship for many reasons. I must refrain from telling the client too much about myself. Let's say I know what its like to experience most every kind of pain. Depression, anxiety, and addiction are symptoms among others—not the disease itself. The disease which underlies these symptoms is our separation from our “self”. Inside we have internalized that parent who taught us we weren’t enough, or who punished us for being too independent, or who abandoned us to their own needs. When we excavate our true “self” and discover the faithful internal support and wise guide that lives inside us life becomes easier and more bearable. When we develop commitment to our “self” and learn to love and value our “self” and begin to give to our “self” and open up to that internal well of knowledge, love, and guidance—the source of which is infinite—we magically are able to take in the love and support and nurturing from others and the entire universe. The effects of therapy are subtle and not necessarily obvious to others. There is joy now in living and being alive. I am able to feel a breeze, hear the bird, smell the lavender, taste the peach, see the love in another’s face. There is peace when I seek it. Until I love myself and feel lovable I am unable to accept the love of another no matter how much I want it and to what lengths I go to try to get it. When love is not forthcoming it often has more to do with ourselves and how we block it. Therapy is not for the feint of heart. We must first dismantle the defensive armor that protected and supported us—our survival gear. When we recognize and let some of those defenses dissolve we must be willing to go through a period of disintegration and confusion and vulnerability until we can put ourselves together in a new healthier way. It takes time and support and the help of a trusted therapist to unravel the mysteries of who we are and what we want for ourselves. The therapist can be the “good parent” or the “holding place” for us, can interpret landmarks on the path that mark the way, can help decipher the language of dreams, can respect the difficulty of the task and our courage and can recognize and celebrate our small victories. Above all, the therapist will love us in that non-possessive way that we may never have been loved before. She will align with us and deeply trust our process. She will believe that everything we did was in the service of learning and growth no matter how bad we may view it. She will be a true ally, a champion for our deep truth, a midwife for our spirit. In a different way, the therapy process will enable us to work through the developmental tasks we missed growing up, will deepen our maturity, will help us become true emotional “adults”. The truth will indeed set us free. Each revelation to our trusted therapist confidante and to our “self” as we unmask and risk being who we truly are will bring with it a deeper respect for this person who is becoming whole. When there is no censure, and no rejection, we are able to go deeper. When we have revealed to ourselves our self-loathing, our distorted belief systems, and our self-destructive behavior, we are less able to continue those patterns. There is no timetable, no urgency. It is a process that once begun continues forever. Once you are awakened you never want to go back to sleep. The experience of having a therapist may end but the task of continuing to learn and grow does not. I have kept a personal journal for more than twenty years and have found it to be a never-ending source of information and insights. There are many ways of working with a journal, which I will cover in another article. Dreams have, since the days of the caveman, been a way for our unconscious to speak to us, to receive important information in the form of symbols and images. Remembering and recording dreams and working with their meaning in therapy can be a powerful tool in our recovery process. The gestalt process of personifying the dream symbols and allowing them to speak to us is a particularly useful way to get clarity. It’s important to feel the anger of what was done to us during our vulnerable and formative years that wounded us deeply and affected us for years afterward. It is appropriate and necessary to express the resentment and sometimes hate that is directed to people who used us or did not care for us or violated our trust. These are deep betrayals that are impossible to understand or accept. However, part of good therapy is to help clients move past the bitterness to find another place. If we continue to feel like a victim, we may become stuck in our self-righteous pain and stunt our development. I think with help it is possible eventually to recognize that we are “stronger in the broken places”. We are able to find the “gift in the hit”, the value of this awful event, the way we are forced to grow beyond the wounding. We may be able to see that the perpetrator was himself/herself defective and limited and wounded also, that parents despite loving us and doing their best were inadequate and impaired. There is the bigger tragedy in becoming locked in anger, blame, and victimization. At first when a client comes to therapy there are the immediate symptoms which have reached an unbearable level. Sometimes there is such despair that a client has thought about committing suicide. When some relief from the hurting has been reached it is time to go deeper, to uncover the underlying issues, to discover the true self, not to quit. In the managed care, insurance-funded therapy there is limited opportunity to go deeper. Managed care conceptualizes symptom relief as the end of therapy when in reality it is just the beginning. It is often difficult to justify giving yourself the gift of therapy when you have little value for your “self”, or when you mistakenly view being interested in your “self” as selfish, or when it is hard to turn away from the external stimulation and approval you crave to take an inward journey. I encourage you to place the highest value on this one life and make that financial and personal investment it takes to become whole. There is nothing more rewarding for this therapist than to travel with a client who is willing to take that journey. I have two theoretical underpinnings to my therapeutic work—Object Relations and Gestalt. I was hugely blessed by my association for many years with a gifted writer and teacher, Stephen Johnson PhD. His grounded Object Relations theories helped me to organize what I do into a cohesive whole, and his loving support helped me to own the therapist that I am. I am also grateful for my early introduction to Gestalt by an innovative and courageous teacher / friend Eugene Alexander PhD who helped me dance with and understand my own demons and thereby begin my life-long fascination with Gestalt practice. It would not do justice to either theory to attempt to describe them here but this discussion of my therapeutic process and the way I work as a therapist incorporates these theoretical concepts. I have also been helped along the way by Jungian analyst Marion Woodman, and many others. Research has consistently showed that people heal with every kind of therapy, that no one particular style or technique is better at helping people change and grow, that it most likely has to do with the therapist and the relationship itself which enables the client to change in positive healthier ways. There is nothing more satisfying for me than to be in a session with someone who is sharing deeply about their life. It is infinitely more engaging than the most fascinating story in a novel or movie. It is much more magical than anything dramatized on real TV. The lines between giver and receiver become blurred as the connection blesses us both in different ways. I hope I have explained how therapy works and in so doing encouraged you to take the next step. |
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THERAPY WITH SALLY YOU CAN EXPECT: q To be listened to deeply and supportively q To uncover your strengths, survival strategies, life scripts, coping mechanisms, and belief systems. q To recognize the learning in mistakes, the positive motivation in your life choices q To participate actively in your healing, and identify the unique ways you learn and grow q To understand your “psychological work”, the necessary steps to moving through your stuck places. q To have the opportunity to internalize a wise and loving presence where once a critical or abandoning or negative parent once lived. q To develop more self-confidence q To understand the power in taking risks
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FEES Sessions are approximately 45-50 minutes in length
and start on the hour. At
this time Sally accepts both insurance referrals and private paying
clients. Her rates are $95 per hour. For private paying clients who schedule three or more sessions in any one calendar month, there is the option of two brief phone conversations and a reasonable number of e-mails at no additional charge. Click Here to read ARTICLES written by Sally which
describe her practice. Contacts: Sally B. Watkins L.C.S.W. 1580 Creekside Dr., Suite
#240
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| E-mail me at healingwords@mindspring.com | |